Let’s talk erotic dreams

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Erotic Dreams: The Differences between men & women and what it says about us


4 Differences Between Men and Women when it comes to erotic dreams


One of the things that has kept surprising me during my career as a sleep expert and coach for adults is the number of people who are worried or intrigued about the number of erotic dreams they are experiencing (say hello to our mainly strict conservative (bordering to unhealthy) upbringing). 

So people have different reactions to erotic dreams. Some wonder about the meaning behind them. Some . . . Let me rephrase that: A LOT) feel guilty. Others love the experience.

I say, there is nothing to feel guilty about.

The meaning of erotic dreams

source: pixabay.com

I see erotic dreams as a safe place to explore our sexuality and fantasies. They are an indicator that we are living, breathing, sexual beings.

Yes, dreams are connected to our emotions, experiences, and mental health, which is why anxiety or depression can cause recurring nightmares or spending a blissful day with your loved ones can result in a magical dream afterwards. Our psyche needs dreams to digest our emotional experiences throughout the day. (By the way if we have too much unresolved baggage banked up throughout the day guess what happens when you wake up at 2 am...hello monkey mind... good thing that I have strategies to help you with that . . . just saying).

However, having reoccurring sexual dreams  doesn’t mean that you should look for explanations behind every dream. Having an erotic dream about a barista at Starbucks doesn’t mean you are attracted to him or her in real life or that you want to cheat on your partner. (Granted it is weirder if you actually know the person you dreamt about . . . next time you see them --> awkward but don't worry, they can't see inside your head phew!) So, don’t overthink it and embrace the experience! I am giving you a green pass to dream as erotically as you can muster!

Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s look at some of the differences between men and women when it comes to erotic dreams ( no judgement, only science).


  • Men are more likely to have an orgasm during erotic dreams: According to the 1953 study by Alfred Kinsey, Ph.D., a famous sexuality researcher, around 40% of interviewed women reported experiencing an orgasm during an erotic dream. The number is at around 83% for men. However, it is important to note that male ejaculation makes it much easier to make that estimate for men as opposed to women, so take that data with a grain of salt.
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    Let's talk desire: Men dream about threesomes. Women – about George Clooney. . . Alright, it’s not really as simple as that. In a 2007 study conducted by Antonio Zadra, PhD, of the University of Montreal, where he analyzed over 3,500 dream reports by both men and women, it was discovered that men are twice as likely to dream about having a sexual activity with more than one partner. Meanwhile, women are twice as likely to have erotic dreams about celebrities.
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    Women are more likely to be the ones that stop sexual activities in a dream. The same study also found that when it comes to sexual disappointment or failure, women are more likely to be the ones in their dream to be turned off by someone or something. At the same time, it is more likely for men to have a scenario in their dream where a sex activity is paused due to the other person’s decision to do so. 
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    Pregnant women are more likely to have orgasm-inducing dreams
    OK, this last one clearly excludes men, but, if you are pregnant, don’t be surprised if the frequency of wet dreams drastically increases. Between the rise in estrogen levels and increased blood flow to erogenous zones, your physiological sexual needs tend to be heightened, which will translate into higher sex drive both when you are awake and asleep.

Dreaming remains a mysterious part of our daily lives. Philosophers, psychologists, and neuroscientists have been putting forth theories that explain various aspects of dreaming for thousands of years, but we still don’t fully understand this function.

So if you have an erotic dream that gives you pleasure and allows you to explore your sexual fantasies, don’t wonder why. It does not define you, make you a bad person and is a sign that you should be cheating on your partner.

Simply enjoy it!


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